Understanding Social Anxiety: Coping Skills for Teens | Roadmap to Joy

Hello, and welcome to Roadmap to Joy. My

name is Alexzis Figueroa. I'm a licensed social worker, a

certified trauma therapist. And I specialize in working with

adults and children that have complex trauma and attachment

disorders as well as autism. And so with me to chat with me about

all things, social anxiety, I have,

Hello, my name is Baylee, and I'm a student. And

I'm here to talk about my experience with social anxiety.

Awesome. So now that we're all introduced, I

guess let's just start with talking a little bit about what

is social anxiety? And how does that differ from day to day

worries. And so I'll just kind of start off with creating some

perspectives. So I think when we're talking about social

anxiety, anxiety disorders, or really any emotion or emotion

based disorders, we're really talking about a spectrum. And so

we experience emotions on a continuum, everything from the

complete absence. So I am not having that feeling currently,

to a complete presence of I am feeling that and sometimes that

is way bigger than other moments in my life. And so, when we talk

about anxiety disorders, what I like to point out is that we all

have a natural sense of anxiety of worry, or fear, because we

all have nervous systems. And so we have fight flight or freeze,

which we learned about sometimes in school. And that's really

what's helped us be safe as as human beings over time. And so

everybody needs a little bit of that sometimes, because I don't

know, if you ask me, when I'm standing over a big cliff and

trying to hike, I would hope my body lets me know, we're a

little too close. And I have terrible balance. And so when

we're talking about social anxiety, we're really talking

about just an intensity of those worries and fears about what are

those people thinking about me? What's it? Is there something

wrong with me? Or any other types of worries? And so, I'm

going to be quiet as a clinician, and I want to hear a

little bit about what's your experience with social anxiety?

And how did you know that it was more than just like the everyday

protecting us worries that we sometimes have?

Yeah, um, mostly with like, my anxiety, I didn't

really notice that I wanted to get therapy until I started high

school. And I actually went to my parents to ask for therapy,

because I saw like, some of my friends doing it. And I was

like, okay, maybe I should try out some therapy for you

guys. We love a friend group that is

supporting mental health, wellness. And how did your

parents react to that? Because that's a really big, vulnerable

space to be able to tell somebody, Hey, I'm having a hard

time. But also, hey, I need some extra support in my life.

Yeah, I think my parents were very happy to hear that. I

wanted to try something like that. And they knew it was like,

kind of a big thing to ask for that. So I think they're proud

of me.

Yeah. I mean, I'm proud of you. So when we're

talking about you were saying, you know, I went to my parents,

I was the one that asked for therapy. Were there any

feelings? or physical feelings that you were having that kind

of let you know, hey, I might need a little more support in

this area.

Yeah, so I kind of noticed, I thought a lot when I

was first having anxiety. It was just like thoughts in my head.

But then I learned it's really not just thoughts. It's also

physical symptoms, like stomach aches and being lightheaded and

fast heart rate.

Yeah, absolutely. I appreciate you

sharing that Bailey because I think a lot of times, and I, you

know, I work with teens and with parents, I have my entire

career. A lot of times parents big question is, how do I know

if my kiddo needs a little bit more support than what we can

offer? But I also have parents that say, I had no idea like, I

didn't know what was going on until something really big

happened. And so when we talk about as parents, how do we know

that our child might benefit from more professional help? I

think part of it starts with line observing for some of those

changes that Bailey described in terms of, do you notice after

school or maybe on weekends, you know, a panic attack or an

anxiety attack or you know, just getting very dysregulated or

really heated or escalated without really understanding

exactly why um, but we also talk about, we know routines we know

certain behaviors that are typical. And so like you were

saying, you know, any any big changes in sort of sleep, or if

you have an upset stomach Are there changes and eating all the

things 24/7 outside of a typical growing young adult, or are we

not eating at home, and that's, that's different or needs, need

some check in around. And so, for parents out there that are

watching, I think one of the most important things that we

can think about is, any changes that are outside of your child's

typical or baseline behavior might warn a small check in

anything that you're noticing when they're coming home from

school, if they shut down more, or really, you you've lost a

sense of sort of where their social circles are, or their

activities, or we see changes and how excited they are about

things that they love. And maybe they don't care any more about

that. All of those I think are good moments to kind of check in

and just ask, Hey, is, is everything all right? And so

with that, Bailey, I would want to know, hearing from a team,

what do you think might be a great way to check in with a

child or a young adult? And what could you tell a parent? What's

a question that they could ask just to see,

I think it is good to ask your kid when they get home,

how their day was, even if they're being short? And

actually, that's a good way to kind of tell, maybe their day

wasn't as good if they're being short? And just saying yes or

no. I think that's a good way to tell how their day was due.

That's fair. Yeah, I have. So I have a 14

year old sister. And we've had those moments where I've picked

her up to do something together. And it's like, everything's

fine. And I'm like, what does that mean, though? And so um,

something that I know, I've told even my parents about, as we've

talked about mental health has been figure out a check in

system that works. And so if after school is kind of a hard

time, even if it's over dinner, establishing some family routine

around, how was everybody's day, did anybody have a really

awesome positive point or two didn't didn't really happen, not

great moment that we're ready to share. And there's really

creative ways to do it. I had a family once that they were big

tea drinkers, they loved hot tea, iced tea, and like that was

a big beverage and their household. And so they would go

to dinners. And they would be like, we start with tea to spill

the tea. And it would just be like, a really funny way to

check in about what is going on in their day. And it's, it's

humorous, because sometimes we need a little bit of humor to

talk about some of the weird things going on. And so what I

want to kind of shift gears to is you mentioned that you have

had some friends that have gone to therapy, have you now that

you've been in therapy, and you're working through managing

your social anxiety? Have you had any friends where you've

noticed, oh, I think that person could benefit or I noticed that

that person's behavior is different because of what I

know. And do you see any differences between your

girlfriend's and your guy friends? Yeah,

I think with the friends that I do know that go to

therapy, I've noticed a difference, their attitude and

just overall attitude about the day kind of shift because

they're being more positive, and they have the help they need.

I love that you bring up the concept of

having a different perspective on life, because I think a lot

of times people think you're going to therapy to be fixed or

because you're broken. And that is not the case therapy is for

everybody, anywhere, anytime. In we can really help provide

perspective. And sometimes we need that extra set of eyes to

see what we can't see in the moment. And so for parents that

are watching, I think something important to bring up as we're

talking about signs. And what do we recognize, is understanding

that there's also going to be differences in gender when we

talk about how does anxiety show up. And when we look at research

from the anxiety and depression Association of America, they

talk about teens in general have higher rates of depression and

anxiety. But particularly our teens that are identifying with

our LGBTQIA community are six times more likely to be anxious

or depressed. And when we look at the APA research, we see that

people in general from that population are two and a half

more times likely to struggle with suicide, depression and

anxiety. And so when we talk about what are signs and

symptoms of needing support, we really want to make sure that

we're recognizing other things that are going to influence that

so our culture, our race, our mental health literacy is going

to be different in each family. There's generational differences

and perspectives on mental health. And so I think what's so

important for anybody watching is realizing that your thoughts

may be your own, but how they were cultivated is not just you,

there's seeds planted about the things that you believe, based

on how you grew up, what you're exposed to, and your life

experiences. And so just making sure that as you're watering

those seeds, you consider is this going to be something that

blossoms into something that helps me and supports me? Or am

I getting my water and nurturing from somewhere that might

develop thoughts that are harmful to me. And so, really

seeking out those supports? And considering those factors are

really important when we're talking about just understanding

more about anxiety in general mental health. With that being

said, what are some things that have been helpful to you that

you've learned in therapy?

Definitely coping skills, I have learned so many

cup coping skills from my therapist, and some of my

favorite ones are breathing techniques, because it really

slows my heart rate down when I'm having that panic from

social anxiety.

Yeah, absolutely. Eye to Eye breathing

techniques person, but admittedly, and I know parents

are gonna come for me, because they're gonna be like, How dare

she bring up the cell phones? I think it's a really good moment,

though, to talk about technology can be our friend. And so I when

I work with teens, we talk a lot about how can we use this device

that we're all glued to, to help us. And there are some really

great apps out there that can do breathing techniques with you,

if you're still learning, I have an affirmations app on my phone

that alerts me via my watch three times a day was something

positive to sort of combat some of the thoughts we can get stuck

in. And we can also provide a lot of access to things like

YouTube, where we can look up what are some coping, literally

coping skills for teens are coping skills when I'm having a

hard time with my thoughts. And we can also be mindful of what

are we following? If we do have social media online? Can we add

an Instagram account that is mental health forward and can

share some positivity? Can you maybe go find the Tick Tock

therapists who are sharing different coping skills and

jokes about things? And can we just include screen time that

can be helpful to us? What is our what is what's our

background on our phone? Can that be a space that we're

looking at all the time? That can be positive? And so I'm

curious, as a team, what do you find technology could be helpful

for for you and your mental health? And what are things that

maybe you stay away from? Yeah, I

think that a big mistake that a lot of teens make in, I

do understand that social media is big, and everyone follows the

same people. But I think people who follow these big social

media stars, maybe that's not a good thing for their mental

health, because they're comparing each other. And I

think that, that doesn't help with their social anxiety,

because then they start comparing them with their

friends or them with their friends or their friends on

social media.

Absolutely, there is, I did not design this

quote. So it is somewhere in the universe by someone else. And we

thank them. That Comparison is the thief of joy. And it is

really hard, because we are looking at these screens, and

we're comparing our lives to these people that are posting

very filtered, and the best of the best moments of life. And

then all of a sudden, we're like, wait a second, why don't I

look like that act like that? Why don't I have those types of

friends. And when we get into that mindset, it can be really

destructive of the present joy that we have available to us.

And so I love that you bring that up, because I I definitely

think that there is something to say about as we've grown in this

beautiful technological age. We've also grown in way faster

and easier ways to compare ourselves to people. And now we

walk into rooms. And when we talk about social anxiety,

that's the essence of social anxiety is I walk into a room

and all I'm thinking about is they're thinking something bad

about me. And that's so much pressure to put on ourselves

because we didn't get there alone. And so really being

mindful about what are we exposing ourselves to and

understanding that I was once a teenager, and part of it is also

very okay to have those questions as we're learning to

make friends and we're starting to navigate relationships and

figuring out who we are outside of just our parents and our

families. And so definitely being mindful to not always

compare ourselves.

And I also think there's a positive side to social media,

like, a lot of people follow these accounts that have

affirmations. And it's showing up in your feed, even say you

see, like a famous person's post, and you're comparing

yourself, keep scrolling, and you'll see those affirmations

and focus on the affirmation more than you are the previous

post.

Absolutely. And I love that you just talked

about the concept of keep scrolling, because that right

there, when we talk about not to get therapists it but it's in my

veins, when we talk about how do we manage social anxiety? Or how

do I help support my child that has anxiety? We're talking about

interrupting those thoughts. And I always say, just because you

think it doesn't make it true. So you can choose to think

something new. And it's, it's not always easy. But there are

ways to challenge that. So keep scrolling, you can find a

different account. And there's also ways to get out of the

swirling, and just like emotions are all about balance. So is the

concept of technology and social media is let's have balance and

understand, is this helping us or hurting us? And how can we

develop those skills to stop, I want to switch gears a little

bit to school, because when we're teens, we spend a great

chunk of our day at school. And that's where oftentimes we're

meeting all of our friends and sort of how we're connected. So

how do you navigate struggles with social anxiety at school?

And what does that look like for you.

So I think a big chunk of social anxiety comes from

school, a lot of the reason that teens have social anxiety is

because they develop it at school. So I think a way to cope

with that is maybe looking into a 504 plan, I personally have a

504 plan, it is a great way to kind of cope with social anxiety

in those social situations.

So in hearing that you have a 504 plan. And

for parents watching in schools, there are option for essentially

support plans. And you can either have a 504 plan, or you

can have commonly an IEP, so an individualized education plan,

the pathways are a little bit different to get there. But the

point being at school, every student has a right and

opportunity to explore if they could benefit from one of those

things. And so what is an example of something in your 504

plan that school has implemented in order to help support you

more.

So with my 504 plan, and kind of implementing it with my

social anxiety, I am allowed to sometimes get up and kind of

take a walk, just to reset and get my mind to reset. They also

offer testing in a different environment. So your anxiety

isn't taking over your schoolwork. So yeah,

yeah, those are really great examples. And

even I think about so many teens I've worked with where parents

didn't know, or they didn't know that those were options. And so

hearing one, those are two great tools that sounds like but to

that you have found it helpful and beneficial. Is is really

great to know. And just partnering with the places that

team they're spending the most time in something else that we

can kind of discuss when talking about school would be when we

think about earlier, we were talking about oh, as parents,

how do we know if our kiddo might need professional help? A

great place to start is school with utilizing a school

counselor, a school social worker, a school psychologist,

and just being able to ask, Hey, near me in the valley, what

might it look like if I needed to access mental health

services, we want people to have access to services and support

normalizing and de stigmatizing. It's okay to have social anxiety

and have struggles and go to therapy and make this as typical

as us going to our yearly really fun medical checkups that we

love. And so thinking about that, and keeping that in mind

as we talk about what can we do or be proactive about? So

getting into our last couple of questions. I'm curious, what

would be some advice that you would give to another team that

is struggling with anxiety? Yeah, so

one thing that I've really learned from myself and

my therapist is running away from the fear of social anxiety

doesn't really help with getting rid Have that anxiety, it only

makes it worse. So even if it's starting small with joining a

club, or joining a sport at your school or joining a church

group, like it can help just getting yourself out there and

feeling more comfortable around other teens and other people.

Yeah, absolutely. And I love that you

talk about the concept of community and connection,

because being connected to other people is so critical to us just

existing and human being every day, but also the healing

process to know that you're not alone and the struggles that

you're going through any questions up to this point for

me?

So what advice would you give your clients? There's,

it's so hard because I feel like they teach

me so much. So I think the biggest, I don't even know that

it's advice. But I think the biggest piece of information

that I try to translate to the clients that I work with is that

when you come to therapy, it's not to put you back together or

because you're broken or because you're lacking something coming

to therapy is you have everything that you need to be

successful, you just need a little bit of support and

guidance to uncover those pieces. And so the advice that I

often give is, just show up as you are and know that anything

that feels isolating the concept of like, nobody understands what

I'm going through, that only exists in isolation. And once

you're able to be vulnerable and just show up, you will learn

that you are so a part of a community. And there are so many

people that can empathize or connect with just the journey of

a living and having some hard moments, especially as a team. I

tell them, I don't like to get super nerdy with my teenagers.

But I do tell them, please listen to my tiny bit of brain

science. And it's the fact that our brains are still working and

growing and developing well into our mid 20s. And so the

expectation that you're supposed to just show up and have it all

figured out. I have not gotten there yet. And so we're all

working together on figuring it out. And just normalizing that

it's okay. And that therapists are not weird, scary spaces.

Half the time, we we want to see the picture of the mean person

at school you're telling us about, we want to know how

things are hard. And we want to know how to partner with your

parents and your family. To let you know, you are not the

problem, the problem is the problem. And we just have to

work together as a family system and therapists to work towards

those solutions. So we have one big question left before we wrap

up. And so what would you say, out of everything that we talked

about today, you want parents to have as their main takeaway.

One thing I've noticed that has been very helpful for

my parents, is a lot of parents with kids that have social

anxiety, it can be very stressful for them. But one way

to kind of lessen the stress for yourself and your child is

walking them through those coping skills. One way to help

with those coping skills is just starting it with them and

walking them through their coping skills helps them a lot,

as they might not be in the right mind state to do it on

their own at that time.

I love that. And I love the partnership

between being a teen and mom and dad because it is hard

sometimes. So I think for parents to be able to know just

being present in there and walking through some of those

skills. And I think that goes really hand in hand was sort of

my big takeaway with today's information would be if as a

parent, you have a hunch that something maybe isn't right.

Follow it and ask for help. It can be starting with a school

counselor, it can be using Google to research what is the

nearest best mental health team agency. And it could even be

starting the conversation even with a PCP just hear typical

doctor's appointments but ask for help Google research because

you're not alone in this and even if at the end of the day.

Maybe there wasn't, you know, a diagnosis or there wasn't, you

know, huge red flags where we wanted to go to therapy at least

you'll have a partner in figuring out that journey. So

that there is clarity around how can we be more attuned as a

family and how can we make sure we open up dialogue that talking

about mental health should To be as easy as talking about what

we're having for dinner. All right, we made it. Thank you so

much for being here answering questions and sharing. So we're

so excited that you guys are listening and we'd like to do

this. And to close up, please give some subscribers some

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