From Pain to Purpose: Rebekah Tinker’s Healing Journey (Part 1)

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In this episode, Rebekah Tinker, LCSW, shares her personal healing journey with Rob. Rebekah describes how her childhood experiences with assault, the loss of her father, and an eating disorder shaped her relationships with others and herself. Rob and Rebekah discuss how she found healing, and how her past helps her approach her clients with empathy and compassion.  

CONTENT NOTICE: This episode contains discussions of sensitive subject matter, including sexual assault, eating disorders, and the death of a parent.  

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About Rebekah Tinker, LCSW 

 Rebekah believes the therapeutic relationship is built from trust and sincerity. Her hope is to hold space for a genuine connection that fosters dynamic self reflection. Looking deeper into the layers of experience that inform our internal gaze and external lens, and what we intrinsically value and believe. Whether you are looking to unravel patterns of codependency, improve communication with your partner(s), or navigate through body shame and disordered eating, I see opportunity for clarity and resolve. 

Her clinical approach holds an intersectional feminist and psychodynamic lens. Each session is focused on deconstructing conscious and unconscious beliefs and behaviors. Weeding out what holds us captive in doubt, while empowering individuality and acceptance of self. 

She specializes in relationships, sex and sexuality, body image, disordered eating, and identity development. I work with couples, adults, and adolescents of all genders and sexualities.  

 Learn more about Rebekah: www.rebekahtinker.com 

 

About Rob 

Dr. Rob Gent, Ph.D., is the Chief Clinical Officer and one of the founding members of Embark Behavioral Health. Rob has been with the company for 15 years and has led the Embark organization in the clinical development and growth of numerous programs. He is the lead developer of the proprietary CASA Developmental Framework, which is pervasive throughout Embark’s programs. 

Through his dedication to advancing clinical development, practice, and research, he has become a nationally recognized expert in the field. His specialization in clinical development is enhanced by his therapeutic expertise and has yielded such accomplishments as the development of; The CASA Developmental Framework, Vive Family Intensive Program, Calo Preteens, Canine Attachment Therapy-Transferable Attachment Program, and other specialized programs. 

Connect with Embark on Social Media: 

Have a question for our experts? We want to hear from you! Submit your questions to: [email protected]. 

Transcript
Laura Davis:

Hey everyone, this is Laura, producer and editor of

Laura Davis:

Embark Sessions here with a content notice for this episode.

Laura Davis:

This episode is Sessions contains sensitive subject

Laura Davis:

matter, including discussions of sexual assault, eating

Laura Davis:

disorders, and the death of a parent. We believe it is crucial

Laura Davis:

to address these issues with empathy and compassion. But we

Laura Davis:

also want to prioritize your emotional well being. If you

Laura Davis:

feel that the subjects may be triggering or cause discomfort,

Laura Davis:

we encourage you to prioritize your mental and emotional

Laura Davis:

health. If you decide to listen, we'll provide resources in the

Laura Davis:

show notes for anyone who may need support. Please take care

Laura Davis:

of yourself and reach out to trusted individuals or

Laura Davis:

professional services if you require assistance. We

Laura Davis:

appreciate your understanding. And as always, thank you for

Laura Davis:

listening to Sessions.

Rebekah Tinker:

I remember shifting my like brain space to

Rebekah Tinker:

constantly try to protect her from feeling any kind of

Rebekah Tinker:

emotion, trying to make sure that everything was always Okay,

Rebekah Tinker:

someone would honk at us in the car. And I would immediately

Rebekah Tinker:

like pipe into like, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's okay.

Rebekah Tinker:

We're gonna be okay. And and I was praised for that. And when I

Rebekah Tinker:

look back now, I feel sad that I was praised for that. Because

Rebekah Tinker:

what I wish that I would have been shown is that it's okay to

Rebekah Tinker:

experience emotion. It's okay, but this is triggering mom. And

Rebekah Tinker:

that doesn't mean that the system is broken. That doesn't

Rebekah Tinker:

mean that we're all going to die. That doesn't mean that

Rebekah Tinker:

we're not sneaking our body

Rob Gent:

Welcome, everybody. I'm Dr. Rob Gent. And welcome to

Rob Gent:

another podcast of Sessions. We are so fortunate today to have

Rob Gent:

our guest with us that we'll be doing our session with her name

Rob Gent:

is Rebecca tinker. Welcome, Rebecca.

Rebekah Tinker:

Thank you so much.

Rob Gent:

Yeah, so Rebecca and I have had a chance to spend some

Rob Gent:

time together. And I was just looking so forward to asking her

Rob Gent:

to join us on the Sessions, because she's just got so much

Rob Gent:

to offer us. She's a practicing clinician and LCSW. She's got

Rob Gent:

some really some amazing focuses, which I'd like her to

Rob Gent:

talk about, but you're located in the Bay Area, and then in San

Rob Gent:

Francisco, and Rebecca, if you wouldn't mind. Tell us just a

Rob Gent:

little bit about you. It'd be fantastic.

Rebekah Tinker:

Yeah, sure. Um, I'm in private practice. Here in

Rebekah Tinker:

San Francisco. I specialize primarily in body image

Rebekah Tinker:

disordered eating. I work with folks on the gender spectrum

Rebekah Tinker:

also worked around issues surrounding sex and sexuality,

Rebekah Tinker:

as well as more trauma informed care.

Rob Gent:

Boy, could there be certainly I know us dealing here

Rob Gent:

in Embark we see so many adolescents and young adults.

Rob Gent:

These are just these are such relevant issues. I you know, I

Rob Gent:

mean, I can only imagine, have you seen an increase in this

Rob Gent:

population in your practice over the years?

Rebekah Tinker:

Yeah, you know, I have, I think that the

Rebekah Tinker:

pandemic has definitely created for has been a big trigger for

Rebekah Tinker:

folks with eating disorders. And so that has definitely led to an

Rebekah Tinker:

uptick and referrals for me in that way. Also, with no issues

Rebekah Tinker:

surrounding gender and trans populations, non binary

Rebekah Tinker:

populations, and so much going on in our world and country

Rebekah Tinker:

socially around that also led to a bit of a big uptick in clients

Rebekah Tinker:

struggling in that realm as well.

Rob Gent:

Yeah. So I know that you have this, an expertise in

Rob Gent:

this in this population, which is so fantastic. And I guess

Rob Gent:

part of the reason that I wanted to ask you in on to the Sessions

Rob Gent:

podcast is, the whole point of it is to say, Hey, let it What

Rob Gent:

led you to this, why do you do this? What is your expertise?

Rob Gent:

You know, we all get into this, like it or not, you know it

Rob Gent:

because of our own personal stuff. It's in our own personal

Rob Gent:

journey. So Rebecca would love to spend some time maybe, you

Rob Gent:

know, exploring a little bit you have this expertise. I know we

Rob Gent:

talked a little bit about for you, the focus was really in

Rob Gent:

related to some personal stuff was trauma, loss, some sexual

Rob Gent:

stuff, if you would mind sharing it with us? Yeah. Where did that

Rob Gent:

where did that really start for you?

Rebekah Tinker:

Yeah, for sure. Thank you for asking that.

Rebekah Tinker:

Because the reality is, as a clinician, I feel like my model

Rebekah Tinker:

of care is very much informed and I did find my own

Rebekah Tinker:

experience, and has been not primarily about learning who I

Rebekah Tinker:

am. But from the world around me, and it's so hard to untangle

Rebekah Tinker:

ourselves from these ideas and images and structures and needs,

Rebekah Tinker:

desires, expectations of the environment, and in circles us.

Rebekah Tinker:

Um, I feel like my journey started in kind of two different

Rebekah Tinker:

places. One, and when I was four, I was sexually assaulted

Rebekah Tinker:

by my cousin. Um, which was a very, yeah, obviously

Rebekah Tinker:

traumatizing experience that I had deep, and then the lapses of

Rebekah Tinker:

my brain hoping that they would be pruned at some point. And I

Rebekah Tinker:

hid from them for a long time. Right. And and for good reason,

Rebekah Tinker:

right? It was not safe to remember that. This is a cousin,

Rebekah Tinker:

I was gonna continue seeing a lot over the years. So I needed

Rebekah Tinker:

to hide from it for my own safety.

Rob Gent:

Okay, you're saying I've just This is so amazing. At

Rob Gent:

four years old, you have this abusive situation that sexual

Rob Gent:

with a, you know, a family member, if you will. I mean, I

Rob Gent:

just can't imagine what that's like, because so many of us

Rob Gent:

would want to normalize it like, well, you're just four, you'll

Rob Gent:

forget about it, it'll prune away, like you're saying, I just

Rob Gent:

can't imagine how that must have affected you, even at four years

Rob Gent:

of age.

Rebekah Tinker:

Yeah, it definitely made me feel really

Rebekah Tinker:

unsafe in my body. And I didn't. I don't think that I realized

Rebekah Tinker:

that for a long time. I think that I found safety in my

Rebekah Tinker:

athleticism, and in my play and within my family system. But

Rebekah Tinker:

then that safety, again was kind of ripped away when my dad

Rebekah Tinker:

passed away right before my seventh birthday. And that that

Rebekah Tinker:

continued to linger was of course, the process of his

Rebekah Tinker:

passing was deeply traumatic. And that, you know, my little

Rebekah Tinker:

six year old mind was trying to keep him alive by making him

Rebekah Tinker:

happy and making him laugh and wanting to conjure aliveness.

Rebekah Tinker:

Again, I could like see in his eyes, this more confusion and

Rebekah Tinker:

more fading, and that was super scary. And my approach was to

Rebekah Tinker:

like, cling and grasp and get close. And then when he passed i

Rebekah Tinker:

Yeah, this like lack of safety, and this year, really became

Rebekah Tinker:

very strong inside of me.

Rob Gent:

Are you conscious of was this a conscious type of

Rob Gent:

thing? Are you looking back more subconscious? Or?

Rebekah Tinker:

You know, I think it's so hard to say. I

Rebekah Tinker:

want to say it was more subconscious. However, I do very

Rebekah Tinker:

viscerally. Remember, you know, my my mom, right? Police though,

Rebekah Tinker:

was in her own grief in depression after my dad passed

Rebekah Tinker:

away. And I remember feeling so terrified for her. Like, I

Rebekah Tinker:

thought that I was going to lose her. I thought that she was

Rebekah Tinker:

going. I don't know if I when I was like that young age of seven

Rebekah Tinker:

thought that she was going to take her life. But I did think,

Rebekah Tinker:

Oh, she's not okay. And the family system is not okay,

Rebekah Tinker:

because she keeps crying. And I remember shifting my like, brain

Rebekah Tinker:

space to constantly try to protect her from feeling any

Rebekah Tinker:

kind of emotion, trying to make sure that everything was always

Rebekah Tinker:

Okay, someone would honk at us in the car. And I would

Rebekah Tinker:

immediately like pipe into like, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

Rebekah Tinker:

It's okay. We're gonna be okay. And, and I was praised for that.

Rebekah Tinker:

And when I look back now, I feel saddened that I was praised for

Rebekah Tinker:

that. Because what I wish that I would have been shown is that

Rebekah Tinker:

it's okay to experience emotion. It's okay, but this is

Rebekah Tinker:

triggering mob. And that doesn't mean that the system is broken.

Rebekah Tinker:

That doesn't mean that we're all gonna die. That doesn't mean

Rebekah Tinker:

that we're not sneaking our body. But I was so afraid that

Rebekah Tinker:

we just weren't not faking or we were not.

Rob Gent:

So if I can just just this is such an amazing journey,

Rob Gent:

Rebecca, so I'm just trying to understand, at six to seven, you

Rob Gent:

lose your dad to cancer. And then of course, understandably

Rob Gent:

your mom has an immense amount of grief and loss in her own

Rob Gent:

life. And then the way family systems often do one of one of

Rob Gent:

the children compensates and becomes parental FIDE you In a

Rob Gent:

hurry, and you become the safety mechanism. But yeah, and

Rebekah Tinker:

I actually, I, I actually think that it wasn't

Rebekah Tinker:

that I was present defied. Because I'm the youngest of all,

Rebekah Tinker:

I'm the youngest of seven. And so I, I actually then just

Rebekah Tinker:

became the thing that everyone focused on, and was like, make

Rebekah Tinker:

sure that Becca doesn't act out, make sure that Becca doesn't and

Rebekah Tinker:

so I felt like I was like, scrutinized a lot or like

Rebekah Tinker:

objectified a lot in that of like, make sure that she

Rebekah Tinker:

doesn't, you know, do something crazy that then will like make

Rebekah Tinker:

mom upset or roll like create rupture within the family

Rebekah Tinker:

system. And so I found myself trying to just make myself

Rebekah Tinker:

really, really small, so that we could focus our energy more on

Rebekah Tinker:

like his mom, okay, rather than focusing energy on me. And so I

Rebekah Tinker:

just, yeah, got myself super, super, super small, and hit

Rebekah Tinker:

outside in the yard a lot are like, in my room without my

Rebekah Tinker:

second

Rob Gent:

did it in at that point in time. I can't help did

Rob Gent:

did it work? did? Did you make yourself small? Did people not

Rob Gent:

notice you as much were they kind of, you know, I just

Rob Gent:

fascinated

Rebekah Tinker:

like, a mold that they needed, what I

Rebekah Tinker:

imagined they needed me to be. I did fit that mold. I was gentle.

Rebekah Tinker:

And I was compassionate. And I said yes to everything. And I

Rebekah Tinker:

didn't. Yeah, I wasn't until then adolescence, but I started

Rebekah Tinker:

to feel like kind of Rayji and push back against that. Because

Rebekah Tinker:

before I think I lost sense of boundary. And I didn't know

Rebekah Tinker:

where like I began and someone else ended. I just felt very

Rebekah Tinker:

merged. And it was this like murky kind of spilling space of

Rebekah Tinker:

really not knowing fully who I was because I was just fitting

Rebekah Tinker:

the mold of like, Be quiet, be gentle, be sweet, be cuddly be

Rebekah Tinker:

your athletic self, because that's where you thrive. That's

Rebekah Tinker:

where you're bringing other people joy, everything like, oh,

Rebekah Tinker:

look what Becca can do, she can hold herself up on the pull up

Rebekah Tinker:

bar for longer than any of everyone else in the school or

Rebekah Tinker:

she can or whatever it was, you know, or she's saying yes to

Rebekah Tinker:

everyone to play with every single person on the playground.

Rebekah Tinker:

Like how sweet is she? How nice.

Rob Gent:

But that recognition recognition at some level is

Rob Gent:

reinforcing. Right.

Rebekah Tinker:

Absolutely, totally. Totally. Yeah.

Rob Gent:

So it becomes at least an aspect of what's rewarding to

Rob Gent:

you is doing those things. So I'll keep saying yes, it

Rob Gent:

perpetuates it. Right.

Rebekah Tinker:

Right, which then was very much a trigger of

Rebekah Tinker:

the eating disorder that I then had, like beginning in

Rebekah Tinker:

adolescence, young adulthood, because I you know, in childhood

Rebekah Tinker:

was very petite, and still quite petite. But of course then like

Rebekah Tinker:

I hit puberty, and my sexual characteristics started to come

Rebekah Tinker:

out more I was getting breasts, I had more like, you know, as

Rebekah Tinker:

most girls do, through puberty got like, started to gain weight

Rebekah Tinker:

in certain areas didn't look as amazing as always athletic, but

Rebekah Tinker:

didn't look as tiny and athletic as I did pre puberty. And then

Rebekah Tinker:

it was this sense of like, oh my god, I have to restrict or I

Rebekah Tinker:

have to over exercise. I have to make myself small again, because

Rebekah Tinker:

that's where people needed me to be. That's where I was praised.

Rebekah Tinker:

My worth is within that my worth isn't like this new body and

Rebekah Tinker:

then people would comment Oh, looks like you're gaining weight

Rebekah Tinker:

or Oh, but I remember an older cousin saying one time like I'm

Rebekah Tinker:

like, it looks like you've little Hershey Kiss boobs or

Rebekah Tinker:

something like something in this way of like, very objectifying

Rebekah Tinker:

in my body and feeling so like, oh my god, this isn't okay, this

Rebekah Tinker:

like I'd wear sports bras to try and like hide the fact that I I

Rebekah Tinker:

had this budding like woman form. Yeah.

Rob Gent:

Can I ask him you're doing such a great job of

Rob Gent:

articulating Rebecca. I just can't help but think of how

Rob Gent:

many? How many listeners are probably resonating with this?

Rob Gent:

Certainly I know that's part of your career. If I can ask, how

Rob Gent:

was your mom during this whole period? How was you and your

Rob Gent:

mom?

Rebekah Tinker:

My mom and my relationship? really struggled.

Rebekah Tinker:

And my adolescence I was pushing back a lot and Then, and I felt

Rebekah Tinker:

so guilty for it. But I also had no sense of how to how to start

Rebekah Tinker:

like, I didn't really I had no idea and how to hold boundaries

Rebekah Tinker:

without just being totally meet the so mean and so angry and

Rebekah Tinker:

pushing back against all the boundaries, but back then I

Rebekah Tinker:

would apologize like, Oh God, my apologies were just like so

Rob Gent:

profuse as we

Rebekah Tinker:

was, because I would just feel so badly. But I

Rebekah Tinker:

also have no idea how not to push back. And I really cut her

Rebekah Tinker:

out from my life in so many ways. And I also, I also was

Rebekah Tinker:

really afraid of how, how she felt about me getting older. And

Rebekah Tinker:

I think that that was my own projection in some ways of the

Rebekah Tinker:

older I am, the further we are away from when my dad was here.

Rebekah Tinker:

And that felt super scary. The have to know that I recognize

Rebekah Tinker:

that. But then imagine her recognizing that. And the more

Rebekah Tinker:

like I remember when I got my period, I didn't tell my mom,

Rebekah Tinker:

because I was so afraid of what would then come up for her. And,

Rebekah Tinker:

and it's true when she did find out. However, she found out I

Rebekah Tinker:

don't know. He she was really she was so pet. Oh my gosh,

Rebekah Tinker:

she's so mad at me. And it was validating them like, right, I

Rebekah Tinker:

can't tell you things. I have to keep hiding. When in reality,

Rebekah Tinker:

she was mad because I was hiding. Our relationship is is

Rebekah Tinker:

amazing. That's really wonderful now, but then was that it was it

Rebekah Tinker:

was not great. It was definitely not.

Rob Gent:

When I'm sure. I'm sure for your mom, it's it came

Rob Gent:

out as anger like you, but I can't imagine even the profound

Rob Gent:

sense of maybe guilt or shame even for your own mom, right.

Rob Gent:

Like, like, I don't have the relationship with my daughter

Rob Gent:

that I wanted to what was if I can ask, you know, you're one of

Rob Gent:

seven siblings. How do you or your siblings paying apart? I

Rob Gent:

mean, that there's, I'm sure there's some years between I

Rob Gent:

just, I'm so curious.

Rebekah Tinker:

Yeah, um, there's quite a few years, but

Rebekah Tinker:

my oldest siblings were adopted by my dad. They're all blood

Rebekah Tinker:

related siblings, from Ethiopia, and my and then I have one

Rebekah Tinker:

sister whose blood related to me, and she's a year and 10

Rebekah Tinker:

months older than I am. And she, you know, all my siblings,

Rebekah Tinker:

really, after my dad passed away, like, stepped in,

Rebekah Tinker:

especially my oldest brother, like, my three older brothers,

Rebekah Tinker:

really stepped in as parents in some ways. are like dad rules to

Rebekah Tinker:

me in some ways, especially as I got older. Um, but, but my, my

Rebekah Tinker:

sister was blood related. Gee, I think really took on this

Rebekah Tinker:

feeling of needing to be my mom's partner. And then I lost

Rebekah Tinker:

my, my like, buddy, and then I felt super because my sister

Rebekah Tinker:

older than my blood related sisters 10 years older. And so

Rebekah Tinker:

there was this like, huge gap and so the only other kid then

Rebekah Tinker:

was no longer my like, comrade, and was like constantly

Rebekah Tinker:

tattletaling on me, or like, putting me in my place. Or I was

Rebekah Tinker:

a pretty quiet kid. And she's, she's an actress. She's there.

Rebekah Tinker:

She's still an actor, so it's very loud and makes her opinion.

Rebekah Tinker:

No. And I remember in my childhood, she my mom would be

Rebekah Tinker:

like, Alright, girls, what do you want for dinner? And my

Rebekah Tinker:

sister would turn to me and be like, What do you want for

Rebekah Tinker:

dinner? And I would whisper to her I want mac and cheese. And

Rebekah Tinker:

then she like go and tell my mom we want like, maybe say mac and

Rebekah Tinker:

cheese or maybe say something completely different? I don't

Rebekah Tinker:

know. But I like was, yeah, it was this like, let's, let's just

Rebekah Tinker:

say whatever will be easy. Yes. Like my sister definitely took

Rebekah Tinker:

that role. And, and it was black

Rob Gent:

accents. That makes sense. So yeah, so So walk me

Rob Gent:

back through so you're beginning as in your adolescence to find a

Rob Gent:

voice I guess is what you're saying. But it's it's rearing

Rob Gent:

its head his anger and rage and profuse apologies. And then it

Rob Gent:

Yeah, how does life look at that moment in time for you?

Rebekah Tinker:

Um, you know, I, like middle school was super

Rebekah Tinker:

hard and middle school was like, I didn't know who I was, I was

Rebekah Tinker:

really like floundering and like, no clue. And going to high

Rebekah Tinker:

school, I switched her in middle school, I was at a Catholic

Rebekah Tinker:

school, which really did not bode well for my, like, anger

Rebekah Tinker:

parts and also my like, desire to individuate. And I was

Rebekah Tinker:

pushing back and I was constantly getting in detention

Rebekah Tinker:

and speaking back in class and being a brat, and there's just

Rebekah Tinker:

like, I was trying to find myself and like, all the

Rebekah Tinker:

different ways. And then I went to a liberal arts high school,

Rebekah Tinker:

and that was super beneficial. My teachers were really like

Rebekah Tinker:

mentors and a lot of ways and really held space for me and

Rebekah Tinker:

really reflected like, because it was such a small school,

Rebekah Tinker:

they, they knew what party I've been to at the weekend, like

Rebekah Tinker:

over the weekend, and they knew, and I respected them. I really

Rebekah Tinker:

respected that. And I, you Yeah, I, like go along with that, like

Rebekah Tinker:

profuse apologies. I remember, freshman year of high school,

Rebekah Tinker:

there had been some party, and I was on track. And we were going

Rebekah Tinker:

to state and we had regionals, and then state and there was a

Rebekah Tinker:

party after the prom, which I wasn't allowed to go to the

Rebekah Tinker:

prom. But I did go to the after I snuck out of my house, and I

Rebekah Tinker:

went to the after party. And I got in trouble that my mom and I

Rebekah Tinker:

came home. But that was a kind of besides the fact within it.

Rebekah Tinker:

Well, the next day they made or whatever the next day was at

Rebekah Tinker:

school, they made an announcement for like all the

Rebekah Tinker:

students on the track team to like, come to a meeting, we went

Rebekah Tinker:

to this meeting, like we know about this party. And we know

Rebekah Tinker:

that some of you were there. And we're gonna give you guys the

Rebekah Tinker:

opportunity to come to us and let us know if you were there or

Rebekah Tinker:

not. Because technically, you're not allowed to go to parties or

Rebekah Tinker:

drink during track season or whatever that was. And of

Rebekah Tinker:

course, no one goes to, to say that they were there, but I did.

Rebekah Tinker:

And I was like I was there. You probably already know No, no, we

Rebekah Tinker:

didn't. Okay.

Rob Gent:

The Bluff worked. Yeah.

Rebekah Tinker:

So then I like I couldn't run in state those.

Rebekah Tinker:

They like when when you admit to something like that, or when you

Rebekah Tinker:

were found out about something like that you have to skip the

Rebekah Tinker:

next week and the next week. regionals or whatever. And,

Rebekah Tinker:

yeah, so yeah, but adolescence in high school was very much me

Rebekah Tinker:

finding myself and having really awesome mentors and people that

Rebekah Tinker:

held me accountable. And that I could, I feel like with my mom,

Rebekah Tinker:

I it was so hard to push, explore my boundaries and push

Rebekah Tinker:

on her because I was so resentful of her grief and her

Rebekah Tinker:

sadness growing up. I think the end so resentful of like, I

Rebekah Tinker:

think there was a part of me too, that was like, maybe my dad

Rebekah Tinker:

died. And this was like a unconscious froth of conscious

Rebekah Tinker:

thought of like, maybe my dad died because you want to not

Rebekah Tinker:

have a life. And that goes back to my own my sexual assault.

Rebekah Tinker:

Because my cousin at that time that said, this is how you have

Rebekah Tinker:

to be a wife. This is what makes you a good wife. Those are the

Rebekah Tinker:

only words that I remember him saying that I remember thinking,

Rebekah Tinker:

well, maybe my mom wasn't a good enough wife, and or good enough

Rebekah Tinker:

partner, and that's why my dad had to die or something. But I

Rebekah Tinker:

have a lot of resentment towards her. But then I so I didn't feel

Rebekah Tinker:

like when I would try and push back, she would just cry, or she

Rebekah Tinker:

would just break down and I didn't have that strong wall to

Rebekah Tinker:

fully push on. And I mean, I think my mom did, absolutely the

Rebekah Tinker:

best that she could given her circumstances, you know, and has

Rebekah Tinker:

done an amazing job since then, but but I had like in my my high

Rebekah Tinker:

school, the teachers and the coaches that I needed to be able

Rebekah Tinker:

to fully push back on I knew that I could remember with my

Rebekah Tinker:

soccer coach who was also my track coach. I felt like I knew

Rebekah Tinker:

that I could scream at him. And he and I did. I like remember

Rebekah Tinker:

after doing like a soccer game. He pulled me off and was yelling

Rebekah Tinker:

at me for something and I just screamed at him back like

Rebekah Tinker:

profanities. And he was like, Okay, let's go for a walk. And

Rebekah Tinker:

we like went for a walk and like he just like fully held the

Rebekah Tinker:

space and like wasn't mad at me was just It's like, this, isn't

Rebekah Tinker:

it? You can't treat me like this. And let's talk about let's

Rebekah Tinker:

talk about this. And I was like, Oh, my God, like, that was the

Rebekah Tinker:

boundary that I needed. And I, like felt so much more content.

Rob Gent:

It's, it's so amazing. I love what you're highlighting

Rob Gent:

Rebecca is that as kids and adolescents, we need really

Rob Gent:

secure people in our lives that can handle and are resilient in

Rob Gent:

order to allow us to feel that safety. It's so amazing. Yeah.

Rob Gent:

Totally. Totally. I'm so glad that you had that. And can I

Rob Gent:

ask, Where was the eating disorder occurring during this

Rob Gent:

time as well? Was that or was that no,

Rebekah Tinker:

I, I was constantly ruminating about my

Rebekah Tinker:

body, I was constantly wanting to make myself smaller, it

Rebekah Tinker:

wasn't like I was in and out of, like, actively restricting, and

Rebekah Tinker:

then not restricting and then restricting and then not

Rebekah Tinker:

restricting. And I it was as though I was I like I had I had

Rebekah Tinker:

significant body image, but I didn't quite have the

Rebekah Tinker:

understanding of what I could do about it. And then it wasn't

Rebekah Tinker:

till college that I was like, Oh, I'm on my own. I'm not in my

Rebekah Tinker:

mom's home. I can not eat whenever I want to not. And, and

Rebekah Tinker:

so I did that. And and it worked very well for me at the time.

Rebekah Tinker:

Um, and, and then, you know, when I would go home for the

Rebekah Tinker:

summers, I I remember, especially the summer between my

Rebekah Tinker:

freshman and sophomore year of college, oh, my gosh, I was so

Rebekah Tinker:

intensely anxious because I had these disordered eating patterns

Rebekah Tinker:

that then I had to figure out how to engage with in my home

Rebekah Tinker:

environment, where we're supposed to be having family

Rebekah Tinker:

dinners all the time. And when I was really little, I would cry

Rebekah Tinker:

before and during every single meal. I hated family meals, and

Rebekah Tinker:

I hated I just hated eating. And I and it was like that, that

Rebekah Tinker:

part of me got reignited. Again, it was like I would get anxious,

Rebekah Tinker:

mad, start crying, and I wouldn't want to sit at the

Rebekah Tinker:

table. Or like my family would plan. Like a big dinner out at a

Rebekah Tinker:

restaurant. Because like my brother would be in town or

Rebekah Tinker:

something. And I was like, I can't I can't go like you don't

Rebekah Tinker:

understand, like, I can't go, they don't have food that I want

Rebekah Tinker:

or I'm not going to be hungry. Or I had recently started taking

Rebekah Tinker:

Adderall for ADHD. And I would blame it on that. And I would

Rebekah Tinker:

say, Well, I'm on my medication, so I can't eat during that time.

Rebekah Tinker:

It'll give me a stomach ache, or middle. And so I like got away

Rebekah Tinker:

with eating small amounts. And no one really said anything. No

Rebekah Tinker:

one was like, are you okay? Despite the fact that I was

Rebekah Tinker:

dropping significant weight. Over the years, I think

Rebekah Tinker:

beginning during my junior year of college, there started to be

Rebekah Tinker:

some like, Wait, is this home really want to be living my

Rebekah Tinker:

life, because I'm starting to feel more when I have a strong

Rebekah Tinker:

community of friends. But my eating disorder voice was so

Rebekah Tinker:

loud, that it felt then super hard for me to actually connect

Rebekah Tinker:

with my community, and connect with my friends. And I felt this

Rebekah Tinker:

part that was just disconnected. And I was like I don't being

Rebekah Tinker:

disconnected doesn't feel good, I need to feel. And so I like

Rebekah Tinker:

had my own kind of reality check in that moment. And then also at

Rebekah Tinker:

that time, I had, I had switched my major to creative writing,

Rebekah Tinker:

specifically poetry, and I started writing a bunch and that

Rebekah Tinker:

and I had an amazing poetry professor. And he really

Rebekah Tinker:

supported my writing so much in ways of like, allowing me to be

Rebekah Tinker:

vulnerable and allowing me to talk about this claustrophobia,

Rebekah Tinker:

and this like stuckness and this sensation, I remember saying in

Rebekah Tinker:

multiple different ways of like wanting to rip my skin off,

Rebekah Tinker:

because it was just like clinically restless feeling that

Rebekah Tinker:

I couldn't get away from, um, and and he really helped me find

Rebekah Tinker:

words to understand the experience I was going through

Rebekah Tinker:

and all the different layers of it. And so that was like one

Rebekah Tinker:

shot And then there was another shift, I guess it was senior

Rebekah Tinker:

year of college, I started doing a lot of meditation, and a lot

Rebekah Tinker:

of yoga. And I was waking up far earlier than all of my friends

Rebekah Tinker:

and going to a yoga class and doing meditation, and maybe

Rebekah Tinker:

going for a run at some point. And then just writing like

Rebekah Tinker:

writing my thesis. And my thesis was a creative writing a long

Rebekah Tinker:

poem or prose, the format, really about my own life. And

Rebekah Tinker:

that journey really helped me especially like yoga and

Rebekah Tinker:

meditation, of creating more introspection into myself and

Rebekah Tinker:

like, really becoming more aware of my senses. And like, can I

Rebekah Tinker:

just feel wind on my skin? Or can I just feel my fingertips?

Rebekah Tinker:

Or can I feel my seat in the chair? Or can I feel this muscle

Rebekah Tinker:

stretching, and recognizing that my thoughts about that muscle

Rebekah Tinker:

stretching, were just as much me as the muscle that self is made,

Rebekah Tinker:

and creating more of a relationship from the gaze of

Rebekah Tinker:

like the muscle itself, like, from the embodied space itself,

Rebekah Tinker:

and I had really built the gaze of being the muscle, but I had

Rebekah Tinker:

not really built the experience or built the muscle, so to speak

Rebekah Tinker:

of being inside of it. And I was able to shift my lens to be

Rebekah Tinker:

like, Wait, can I go inside, and really be in that muscle as it's

Rebekah Tinker:

stretching, rather than observing the muscle as it's

Rebekah Tinker:

stretching. And that helped me to gain a different kind of

Rebekah Tinker:

appreciation or acceptance of being in my body? I won't i i

Rebekah Tinker:

Really push back against the verbiage of like body

Rebekah Tinker:

positivity, because that shows them that there's like, it's

Rebekah Tinker:

still objectifying the body. And I I knew that objectifying the

Rebekah Tinker:

body in any way, whether it was positively or negatively wasn't,

Rebekah Tinker:

was not going to serve me at all. And so I was like, Can I

Rebekah Tinker:

just be inside of it? And can and like, how do I feel inside

Rebekah Tinker:

of it? Not how do I feel about it? But how do I feel inside of

Rebekah Tinker:

it, and gave me a different appreciation for my flexibility

Rebekah Tinker:

or my strength, or my able body mass. And, and that was a big

Rebekah Tinker:

shift. And after I graduated college, I went on to the

Rebekah Tinker:

studying yoga and meditation. And I did that for like 10

Rebekah Tinker:

months and became a yoga teacher and, and meditation teacher, and

Rebekah Tinker:

that was what really brought me into eating disorder care as a

Rebekah Tinker:

clinician, as well of like, bringing people back to the

Rebekah Tinker:

bodies experience, because I started working with clients

Rebekah Tinker:

from that, from that more somatic lens before I actually

Rebekah Tinker:

got my, my MSW. Yeah.

Rob Gent:

So you, I really appreciate the words. It wasn't

Rob Gent:

about judging, it was about being I really appreciate that.

Rob Gent:

Because so much of our just, we're hardwired for

Rob Gent:

objectifying, even ourselves. And so that is so valuable,

Rob Gent:

Rebecca, and I'm also hearing you say, as my journey

Rob Gent:

continued, there was this evolution that because I've felt

Rob Gent:

some healing. I'm gonna, I can give back.

Rebekah Tinker:

Exactly, yeah, you've, you're going

Rob Gent:

through your journey. And as you create your own

Rob Gent:

healing, you reach this point where you recognize that you can

Rob Gent:

start to give back and and heal others, and then maybe talk a

Rob Gent:

little bit from that point on. How has that transpired into

Rob Gent:

just a career in in seeing the clients you have now?

Rebekah Tinker:

Yeah, um, well started with I started working

Rebekah Tinker:

at a clinic in Vermont called Vermont Center for Integrative

Rebekah Tinker:

therapy. And we specialize more on working with folks struggling

Rebekah Tinker:

with disordered eating and body image. And I was leading there.

Rebekah Tinker:

The Yoga programming and meditation programming for all

Rebekah Tinker:

of our IOP is intensive outpatient programs. And then

Rebekah Tinker:

also doing one on one and also leading workshops and

Rebekah Tinker:

immersions. Using the modalities of mindfulness, and yoga was the

Rebekah Tinker:

primary interventions at that time. But then while I was

Rebekah Tinker:

there, I went, I did my level one and level two of internal

Rebekah Tinker:

family systems training by Dick shorts, and he wasn't the

Rebekah Tinker:

trainer, training. Other people, I don't remember their names.

Rebekah Tinker:

But that was also super informative for like building my

Rebekah Tinker:

own language, as a talk therapist, so to speak. And then

Rebekah Tinker:

it was after that, that I went on to grad school. And when I

Rebekah Tinker:

went to grad school, I actually left the eating disorder clinic

Rebekah Tinker:

and started working in child psychiatry at University of

Rebekah Tinker:

Vermont. And then I was also teaching within the behavior

Rebekah Tinker:

change minor, at the University of Vermont, and using

Rebekah Tinker:

mindfulness as therapeutic interventions. And, yeah, and

Rebekah Tinker:

that, and then it was after I graduated grad school, but I

Rebekah Tinker:

then just simply go and started my own private practice here.

Rob Gent:

Yeah, and I would imagine with your experience,

Rob Gent:

and your expertise probably didn't take line long to build a

Rob Gent:

clientele. I would imagine.

Rebekah Tinker:

I started my practice in San Francisco at the

Rebekah Tinker:

very beginning of the pandemic, and my caseload was full within

Rebekah Tinker:

probably like two months.

Rob Gent:

Oh, my goodness, what a need during that time. Yeah.

Rebekah Tinker:

Yeah, especially with the online has actually

Rebekah Tinker:

served to be so beneficial, as in, especially for my adolescent

Rebekah Tinker:

clients. Because they don't have the option because within zoom,

Rebekah Tinker:

you know, you can, there's the chat box as well. And oh, man

Rebekah Tinker:

listens or expert text. And if they didn't want to say

Rebekah Tinker:

something out loud, because their parent was in the other

Rebekah Tinker:

room, they would just send it in, in the chat box. And so we

Rebekah Tinker:

would be like making all the faces on the Zoom call, but then

Rebekah Tinker:

like, like, you know, sending the actual messages or like

Rebekah Tinker:

doing a lot of the dialogue in the textbox. Because those this

Rebekah Tinker:

year, are my parents listening. And establishing that, I

Rebekah Tinker:

believe, especially with adolescents, building the

Rebekah Tinker:

attachment, and the connection therapists to clients is so

Rebekah Tinker:

imperative for anything else to ever happened. So in the first

Rebekah Tinker:

many Sessions, it's just us, almost shooting the ship kind of

Rebekah Tinker:

to be like, Hey, you can trust me, like, I'm your, I'm your

Rebekah Tinker:

ally, here. I'm your peer, here we are in this together. And

Rebekah Tinker:

then it's at that point that then they're like, Okay, now,

Rebekah Tinker:

like you don't have any agenda for me, you're not saying I have

Rebekah Tinker:

to heal in this one particular way. You're saying all of my

Rebekah Tinker:

parts are allowed to be here, and you're not shaming them? And

Rebekah Tinker:

now we can go forward and have a comment?

Rob Gent:

Because I trust you. Because I trust you. Yeah, well,

Rob Gent:

so profound. Tell me I just really sub two quick questions

Rob Gent:

that I'm curious about is how did the repair go with your mom?

Rob Gent:

Um, his repair the right word? I don't know. Maybe that's,

Rebekah Tinker:

yeah, I don't know if we had a moment of

Rebekah Tinker:

repair. But we absolutely have had a lot of moments of deep,

Rebekah Tinker:

connected conversation and discourse, where I have felt

Rebekah Tinker:

more comfortable sharing about my experiences growing up. And I

Rebekah Tinker:

think for a long time, I felt very afraid to have

Rebekah Tinker:

conversations about my adolescence and childhood with

Rebekah Tinker:

her. For the same reasons why I felt afraid to have

Rebekah Tinker:

conversations with her back then of like, just gonna get upset,

Rebekah Tinker:

or I'm gonna hurt her feelings or something. And our

Rebekah Tinker:

relationship now is very much one where I don't, I have

Rebekah Tinker:

established clear boundaries. I'm not here to take care of

Rebekah Tinker:

you. But I'm here to support you just as you're here to support

Rebekah Tinker:

me. And once I really understood my own boundaries, and like

Rebekah Tinker:

where I started and where she ended, that has allowed me to

Rebekah Tinker:

then be able to open up to her and and share with her my own

Rebekah Tinker:

vulnerable Oh, these are like call her when I'm in a moment of

Rebekah Tinker:

like suffering or like hardship. And, and then and she'll hold

Rebekah Tinker:

space. But I think because the boundaries between us were so

Rebekah Tinker:

blurred for such a long time. That's why I couldn't I didn't

Rebekah Tinker:

feel comfortable going to her when I was suffering because I

Rebekah Tinker:

thought that it would just add to hers. Because there's that

Rebekah Tinker:

boundary now and I know who I am separate from her, I know that

Rebekah Tinker:

we're different beings, it's made it so much easier. And I

Rebekah Tinker:

think that that also came from her allowing me to just be me,

Rebekah Tinker:

especially through college, like, through the lens of

Rebekah Tinker:

college, not like, there was not, there was no getting in

Rebekah Tinker:

trouble. There was no like, she really saw me just like, growing

Rebekah Tinker:

and just, and then again after college and like making my own

Rebekah Tinker:

choices, and fumbling and then standing back up, and then

Rebekah Tinker:

fumbling and standing back up. And to gain a different kind of

Rebekah Tinker:

respect for me as an individual maybe, or maybe she always had

Rebekah Tinker:

respect. But I started to be able to see Oh, Mom respects me,

Rebekah Tinker:

or Oh, Mom, mom, trust me in in being my own autonomous

Rebekah Tinker:

individual out there in the world. And now that means I can

Rebekah Tinker:

I can go to her when I am suffering or I can go to her

Rebekah Tinker:

when I when I am celebrating. And I don't have to stay in

Rebekah Tinker:

heightening.

Rob Gent:

So wonderful. Thanks for sharing that, Rebecca. And

Rob Gent:

my last question is just just because I am curious. I'd

Rob Gent:

imagine you don't ever really arrive. But how is your journey

Rob Gent:

with your self identity?

Rebekah Tinker:

I was my journey with myself identity, I feel

Rebekah Tinker:

confident in my identity, I feel I feel confident. And yeah, and

Rebekah Tinker:

in who I am and what I know. And from, I feel like I've moved

Rebekah Tinker:

from a space of like beginner's mind, and trying to like,

Rebekah Tinker:

constantly be learning and growing. And that, because that

Rebekah Tinker:

then allows me to be confident in in my moment, and then my

Rebekah Tinker:

identity as I am because I just fully acknowledged to myself

Rebekah Tinker:

that I don't know everything. And I think for a long time, I

Rebekah Tinker:

felt like I had to be perfect. And I had to know everything.

Rebekah Tinker:

And I was ashamed of all that I didn't know. And now, like, I

Rebekah Tinker:

think that I've entered more of a space of curiosity into the

Rebekah Tinker:

world of like, yeah, there's so many things I don't know. And

Rebekah Tinker:

that's kind of exciting. I don't want to know everything. Because

Rebekah Tinker:

if I know everything, then like, why am I still here? I feel like

Rebekah Tinker:

I should be dead by that point. Like, if there's no point?

Rob Gent:

Well, I have to say, Rebecca, you've certainly made

Rob Gent:

an imprint on me that there. This. It's a building like your

Rob Gent:

confidence that you describe allows you to be vulnerable. And

Rob Gent:

I can't tell you how much myself but also the listeners

Rob Gent:

appreciate that vulnerability and the confidence in the story

Rob Gent:

and to recognize that there is healing. Frankly, there is

Rob Gent:

healing, and now you've dedicated your career to helping

Rob Gent:

others. And I imagine it helps you as well.

Rebekah Tinker:

Absolutely, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well,

Rob Gent:

Rebecca, this has been such an incredible time. Thank

Rob Gent:

you so much. And I know there's just so much value and just

Rob Gent:

everything you've said and the listeners. And I mean, from

Rob Gent:

everything to understanding what does it mean to be a confident,

Rob Gent:

safe caregiver to children and adolescents and being that safe

Rob Gent:

place has been so incredible. So Rebecca, I'm going to go out on

Rob Gent:

a limb, I'd love to follow up if you're up for it made me do a

Rob Gent:

part two and talk about more about your current practice,

Rob Gent:

because we just, we didn't really even touch on this vast,

Rob Gent:

just enormous, complex issue of gender identity and how co

Rob Gent:

occurring co occurrences of eating disorders with minority

Rob Gent:

group and marginalized groups is just exponentially really high.

Rebekah Tinker:

So I'd love Yeah, I would love to. I'd love

Rebekah Tinker:

to do that. Yeah.

Rob Gent:

Terrific. We're going to have you back. So thank you

Rob Gent:

for joining. This is Ben Sessions podcast. With Rebecca

Rob Gent:

tinker. Thank you so much. And please access this podcast

Rob Gent:

wherever you do, if it's Apple or wherever, wherever you do

Rob Gent:

that. Please look us up. And we look forward to you joining us

Rob Gent:

on our next session. Rebecca, thank you. Thank you, Rob.